~ Unknown
Invitation List of True Friendship
My wife and I are in the midst of planning our wedding solemnization. The big day will be on 20 November 2011 (20112011). A cool date huh? It is something we have waited five years for. The kids are getting older and my divorce with my ex- has finally been completed. It’s time.
Over the course of the last few weeks, we have been busy planning for our big day. In the process, we dwelled into a discussion about who to invite. Because of our low budget, we cannot really invite many friends for this wedding. That started our debate on what is true friendship.
To be honest, while thinking of who to invite, I experienced the lowest forms of loneliness and depression with regards to true friendship? With all that has happened over the course of the last few years, the number of people that I can count on that belonged in the circle of true friendship became less and less.
Today, I can practically give myself a big fat ZERO for the number of relationships that I can count as true friendship. It hurts to know that I do not have any true friends so to speak.
Realization of My Lack of True Friendship
I always believe that I am the kind of guy who builds true friendship with people. Reaching out to people is always on my cards. Organizing things for my circles of friends is always a happy thing for me to do. But how did all my ‘true friends’ disappeared?
As I looked back to the last five years, I could trace the beginning of the end to true friendship when I got into my financial mess. After my new family and baby came, our expenses skyrocketed. My wife was a stay home mum, and I was carrying the whole family finances on the back of my own shoulders.
To worsen the problems, we did not give up our traveling habits. Plus unforeseen medical bills from my daughter, the bills slowly ballooned out of control. When we reached a point when we most needed help, I found out that many of my friends began alienating my family and I. That was the start of my search for true friendship.
It was the lowest point of my life and I just thought that if I were them, I would have helped in anyway financially even if it was just with a small amount. But that never came. Only two of my true friends and my brothers came forward to help me out.
As we contemplated our invitation list, I began question the validity of true friendship. What makes a friend a really true friend? Do true friends exist? Do true friendship last? In my discussion with my wife, we have come up with the following qualities of true friends.
Qualities of True Friendship
1. When you are in need, they will be there. No questions asked.
If you ever end up in a police jail for some offenses and you could not call any of your family members, which friends would you call? Who will drop everything and come get you? If you have someone that will come get you in such circumstances, then that person will be in your class of true friendship.
2. They are the first person you confide in.
True friendship also means that he is able to comfortably confide in that person. When you run into some problems and needed advice that is the first person you will call to talk about things. That person is the first person that will come to your mind if you needed some close door discussion and opinions.
3. They are the first person you share your joy with.
Friends in your true friendship circle are also the first ones you would share your joy with. When you get that promotion or win something valuable, you would tell them first thing you can. They will be genuinely happy for you. There is no envy in any of them. That’s another mark of true friendship.
4. They endure through the years.
True friendship endures through the years. You might be married or separated by long distances, but there is always that desire to stay connected by any means. It used to be snail mail nut with modern social media, staying connected is a breeze. There is no excuse not to stay connected.
5. They do not shy away from you when you have trouble.
When trouble comes, your true friendship will stand the trials. Your true friends will show up. Like my case, only two persons showed up. The others chose to stay away. I was not looking for big sums to help me out, but even a small amount makes a difference. More importantly it will cement our true friendships.
6. True friends make the first effort to reach out to you always.
This is crucial for me. I always make this the hallmark of true friendship. Your best friends will not wait for you to call. They will call you first. Similarly, you will always call them first. It becomes an exciting and friendly competition to always see who calls first.
What is your take of true friendship? Have you got friends that have stood the test of times? Rain or shine, they will be there, always. Share your stories and perspective on true friendship with us here.
Hi Jimmy,
Firstly congratulations on your upcoming wedding solemnization on the 20th. I have no doubt it will be a very special and blessed day for you both.
You pose a great question about what true friendship is all about. My longest standing friendship is at the 40 year mark. We have known each other since the age of 5 and it is without a doubt my most true friendship. If I measure it against your criteria it ticks the box of each with no doubt in my mind at all.
What I will add however is that probably the most important aspect of this friendship to me is the honesty that exists between us.
I know that I can tell Stuart absolutely anything and he does the same with me. Often we have had to give each other feedback about things that was not pleasant but it’s that very quality that makes the friendship stand out.
We may sometimes have to deliver unfavourable feedback but regardless of which, our love for each other is unconditional and we support each other even though we may not always agree with the other’s decisions.
I have other friends that also definitely I would regard as true friends and with each of them the level of honesty that exists between us is what defines these relationships as extraordinary.
~Marcus
Marcus Baker recently posted..Make Life an Ongoing Joyous Experiment
Thanks Marcus for the advance well wishes. We are certainly looking forward to it. I will do a post to share with you all.
I will add that honesty bit into the list I have created. It really heartens me to see that you have a true friend you can count on. My God, for 40 years already. That’s great stuff. I wish I have someone like that.
There are friends of mine whom I know since childhood – 30 years. But over the trials of time, we have left each other to tend to our own business. We hardly meet once every year. I simply cannot classify this as true friendship. I am sad that I can count none of my friends as true friends. It is depressing knowing that after all these years, I really have no one to depend on, apart from my family.
I would like to look at the brighter side of things though, and that is my greatest friends are waiting out there for me to find.
Wow, does #1 ring true! Friends are there instantly, when you need them. Like Guardian Angels, a friend is there for you, when times are toughest.
Thanks for sharing!
RB
Ryan Biddulph recently posted..Rise Above the Competitive Plane
Hello Ryan,
We all do wish that the time for that form of need for our true friends to bail us out will not come. But those occasions are the test of true friendships. Sadly for me, many have failed and I am no happier. Perhaps, the online world is not so hash.
Excellent article, Jimmy, on a very important topic. In reality, I think most people are lucky if they have one “true friend” who satisfies the criteria you listed in your article. In my experience, the only way such a friendship forms and is sustained, is with a lot of time, effort, and shared experiences. The reality is that it’s hard to have too many such relationships, because if you are handling them in a way that truly meets the criteria you’ve listed, it’s very time consuming! Adding such a relationship(s) to one’s family, business and other obligations, can quickly become overwhelming. Paul
Paul Morin recently posted..Rethinking Small Business Failure
Hi Paul,
Welcome back.
I would agree that many people have at most 1 or 2 true friends. Getting to know each other is easy, sustaining the friendship through years is not easy. It is really a test of faith and patience. The keys as you mentioned is one of shared experiences and trials. Without these, no good friendship will emerge. Most of my friends have not passed this test. Although I am lonely and sad, I still believe that there are people out there that can make my list.
Interesting article, Jimmy.
I have somehow accepted that I will completely on my own when I am in deep problems – although since I accepted that, it never happened (anymore).
I read somewhere: “life is a solo trip, but you will have a lot of visitors”
I am not sure that is completely true either – I believe we all are connected to each other. But it helps for me to take 100% responsibility for my own life.
I’m happy about that.
And it nice to hear we have something in common – my future wife and me are also in the middle of the planning of our wedding – next year (june 30 – 20120630).
I wish you already all the best for your marriage!
Thanks for sharing your story!
marc van der linden recently posted..How to deal with negative emotions
Hi Marc,
We do have many things in common, don’t we? From our personal development blogs, to the books we read, and now to the wedding we are planning. Thanks in advance for you well wishes. I trust that yours is emerging nicely as well. Preparations with weddings can be so tedious. My wife literally goes gaga over so many things. I am always just nodding my head.
I like the analogy of life is a solo trip with many visitors. Reality speaks that truth, but I crave to life in an unreal world where true friends can be there to warm our hearts anytime. I firmly believe that true friends will help each other. If there is no way, they will find a way.
First of all, let me compliment you on your authentic truth and being transparent to your readers – BRAVO!
Since I encourage “friendships” and being the “girlfriend guru” that I am….MakeGirlfriends.com – I have to contemplate this idea of “true friends”…..
I am happy to report that my “true” friends all live in California and they would be there for me no matter what – I only met them almost 3 years ago when I was going to a critical time in my life – they were there for me!
I believe we have many acquaintenances and it sounds as if you had acquaintances instead of true friends. I have to ask myself what makes a friend a true friend and your list is pretty accurate! These are the people that want for you to succeed, they are the ones that are there for you no matter what – they are the ones that will stay in touch with you no matter how far away you are…..I do my best to treat people the way I would want to be treated.
Just a thought – maybe in this moment in time – we must learn to be our own best friends first?????
In gratitude,
Nancy
Nancy Shields recently posted..COURAGE….WE ALL HAVE IT, SO WHY NOT USE IT?
Hi Nancy,
Your case verifies my point and belief that true friends can be made even in just a short time. I have acquaintances since my childhood whom I thought are my true friends. But that has turned out to be a false assumption. The thing that saddens me so much in this realization of my state is that so many of them use their life as an excuse to not make time for us. I was always the one initiating things and get together, and it was always a struggle with that when we eventually meet. Most of them prefer to stay away since the birth of my troubles. That really sucks.
You are right, the best friend you can have is with yourself. Only when that happens can we truly be available for true friends, including our spouse. I have started this journey, but it can be am awfully lonely journey. I wish I could have someone to share my trials with. Or is it because it was me that stayed away?
By the way – Congratulations on the solemnization of your marriage on 20112011……divine!
In love and light to you both,
Nancy
Nancy Shields recently posted..COURAGE….WE ALL HAVE IT, SO WHY NOT USE IT?
Thank you so much for the well wishes, Nancy. I will be posting on that event when its done to share my joy with you all. It has a special concept and having our kids in toll will be very special too.
Hi Jimmy,
Firstly, Happy Wedding! How exciting!!
Love this piece on friendship. Every one of your six points are so right-on. I forwarded this to my friend highlighting to her how I immediately thought of her and how she exemplifies all the points.
I have 2 close friends since I’m a teenager, so that’s about 40 years. Although we don’t see one another too often, whenever we speak, it’s so wonderful because we know each other totally. We get it all. We know the true essence of one another.
Then I have this other close friend, to whom I just emailed this post; and we became close the past 6 years through work. We’re in contact all the time (even though I just retired- this will be the ‘test’ of our friendship if it really goes beyond work; but we’re totally committed to it so I’m sure it will.) She is the one who personifies all your wonderful points. It’s a great feeling knowing that you have some people in your life like this. She was the one who contacted me first and with whom I stayed in touch with throughout my daughter’s surgery day yesterday. Thank you my friend Beth.
Harriet Cabelly recently posted..Services
Hi Harriet,
Thanks for your advance well wishes. Be sure to read my post on the wedding when it is done.
Beth is what I mean by a true friend. She would never have been able to be at your daughter’s side if she had not kept in touch with you regularly. I think that is necessary to be getting together socially on a regular basis and really update each other on your life. This is especially important when our families demand more attention. My wife has a true friend that she talks to almost daily. It could be short chats on the phone or sms. But they stayed in touched. They shared everything. I odd to learn from her.
Maybe I am the one that is not opening up enough. Maybe I am the reclusive one. But the more I think, I more I feel that I have done my part. It is that people just want to stay away from us because of our problems. Because of that I get the message. I will not initiate things anymore.
I am happy for you Harriet that you have true friends around. Cherish them and hold on. They are treasures.
Hi Jimmy,
It makes me sad to read that you feel people stay away from you because of your problems. You are so open, bright, articulate and insighful. I would never imagine you have an issue with this thing called ‘closeness’.
Set your intention on brining people in to your life and then go out and exude your goodness, your interest in others, your wisdom, and it will come to you. Ask others for feedback as to what they feel you’re putting out there. Sometimes we think we’re puttin out A when they’re taking it in as B.
May the treasure of friendship come to you.
Thanks Harriet for your support and advise. Your comment made me realize that none of my friends actually know what I am doing. They have no idea that that I am already on a personal development path and into a career with this. No wonder I have no true friends. Perhaps it is an indication that I have been dwelling in the wrong crowd for too long. I do believe that I am meeting the right kind of people now. I have been not me all these years, the turning point had finally come.
Hey Jimmy,
Congrats on the new phase of your life and a big sigh for the lack of friends that you had during your tough times.
When we have great friends it is a true blessing but I can say that good friends are hard to find. What works for me is to be the person that you would most want in your life.
Justin | Personal Growth recently posted..Getting Beyond the Time Loop and the Matrix
Thanks Justin.
I like your idea of being the person we want most to be in our life. I think if we can do that we will attract the true friends waiting for us out there.
Jimmy,
Having true friends is so important to our well-being. I haven’t had any close friends who abandoned me in “tough times” though, thank goodness. I think it’s because I understand who my closest friends are and who are more “casual” friends. I know it’s hard to wake-up to seeing who is there for you and who isn’t especially when you’re going through tough times. I guess it’s a good lesson in discernment – that we all must go through sometime. My father used to cal the friends who’d abandon you when there was trouble: Fair-weather friends. Makes sense, right?
I have several really close long term friends and a lot of good friends. It’s great to be able to have such a variety of friends each with an interest that I have as well. I have “blogging” friends, “psychic” friends, “business” friends, “writer” friends and “childhood” friends. For the most part I’d rely on my long term closest friends if I was going through a difficult time. Thank you for this very important article about friendship. I feel enriched by all the friendships I have made blogging – you included!
Angela Artemis/Poweredbyintuition recently posted..Healing, One Touch At a Time
Angela,
You are most encouraging. Thank you for your kind words. I also remembered that you were one of the first who allowed me to guest post on your site. That really started me off well on this new site of mine. Now that I can see it growing daily, I feel more encouraged. It is also through this site that I am meeting many more new friends. I can tell you that many of these friends are more helpful and encouraging than many real life friends I have right now. Best of all, we are all interested in the same things. We have the same wave length. I can see many more fruitful long term friendships forming from this.
But you taught me about discernment too. That is a powerful skill we must learn. If there is anything I am not so good at, it is been too nice to easily. I tend to feel that anyone that is good to me can be true friends. I will go out to form that friendship. But this trial of mine has really been my eye opener and I am wiser I guess. In the future, you can be sure that I will be more selective with my friends.
Hi Jimmy,
Congratulations on your wedding solemnization on the 20th of November! Nothing could be greater than being married to your best friend:)
And what a great and thought provoking article you have written!
Friendships are very important, in fact they are vital to life. But so many of us do not choose our friends carefully. Certain friendships we keep simply because we have been friends with them for years. Others because of necessity. It certainly pays to pay closer attention to the people whom you deem as your true friends. Words alone are not enough. They must be backed up by deed. And the character of your friend is likely to reveal much about him or her when it comes to a crisis. It is the little things that matter but which most people overlook. Adversity reveals many things and one of them is which are your true friendships.
You have listed great points on the qualities of true friendship. I just want to add that a true friend is not afraid to correct and oppose you if you are making a mistake. True friends should not be yes men or women. They are willing to risk your displeasure to keep you safe from harm. If you come across such a wise and honest friend, you certainly must invest the effort to cultivate this friendship. I always rely on my true friends to keep me in check and to correct me when I go wrong. These are the people I would trust to watch my back.
Thank you for sharing this heartfelt, open and honest article!
Irving the Vizier
The Vizier recently posted..Shaping Character with the Whetstones of Life
Hi Irving,
Thank you for your advance well wishes for my wedding solemnization. Since you are my fellow countryman, I thought I can share with you that I will be holding my ceremony at Lasalle College of the Arts. The new campus behind Burlington Square. They have a nice open but shelter artificial field as their central courtyard. My wife was a former student there, and I guess it brings back memories for her holding the ceremony there. Anyway, I will keep everyone posted about this.
You are not the only one whom brought up this point about choosing our friends wisely. Angela also pointed out the need for discernment when it comes to deciding who our true friends are. I have been lacking in this area. The trouble with me is that I have been too accepting and generally being a nice guy. That has allowed people to take advantage of me. Or perhaps its because of a deeper problem of insecurity. I do not know. I need to search a little deeper.
Right now, I feel as if I do not have any friends in this world who will stick their neck out for me. How did I get into this state. Or perhaps it is just the universal telling me to look elsewhere.
Hi Jimmy,
That is a lovely place to hold your wedding solemnization. I am sure it will be a memorable event for all. :D
Well life isn’t all peaches and cream. While there are good things to cherish, we must also be aware of the bad. Such is the need for balance.
When it comes to giving to friends, I give what I can without expecting anything in return. But at the same time, I also know where to draw the line and say “no” if something is beyond me at the moment. Even so, as far as I can, I would not turn away someone in need.
Life is simple and yet complicated at the same time. I think it may be a little idealistic to expect friends to stick out their necks for us today. This is not the wuxia period haha! Although it would be nice to have such friends, to have such expectations will only make you unhappy.
People will always put their own interests first and only help you out to the extent that it does not threaten their interests. This is the way of the world. That said, some friends have greater capacity than others. Character is also very important. So we must adjust our expectations of friends accordingly. No one can do everything so we should not expect the world of friends and turn to help from them accordingly.
In the meantime, continue to give and nurture your relations with those of worthy character and soon, you will have a pool of worthy friends to call on. I cannot guarantee they will stick out their necks for you, but if you know how to ask for the right kind of help from each of them according to their nature, you shouldn’t feel the way you feel now. :)
The Vizier recently posted..Shaping Character with the Whetstones of Life
Confucius says:
“The superior man sets his person at rest before he moves; he composes his mind before he speaks; he makes his relations firm before he asks for something. By attending to these three matters, the superior man gains complete security.”
The Vizier recently posted..Shaping Character with the Whetstones of Life
Great stuff. These three matters – person, mind and relations – are the foundation of all forms of stability aren’t they.
Hi Irving,
My views on true friends would differ from you a little more. I am more optimistic about what sacrifices true friends will do for us when the need arise. To me, true friends are essentially family members as well. When the time call for help to be rendered, they will come forward. My brothers are prime examples. They helped in what way they could when they heard that I was in financial trouble. Some gave more, some gave less. It was not so much the amount that mattered. Even a small token would go a long way to show that you were there for me.
I am thankful that I was brought up this way with all this brotherly love. Mind you, the four of us were not really close. We hardly talk even when on family outings. We have our own interests, but our bonds are deep. It is my firm belief that true friends are like that. They will find ways to stick their neck for you, no matter how small their deeds are. I believe that such friends exist, because I am one of those who will come get you if you are my true friend and I know you are in trouble.
Hi Jimmy,
I agree fully. True friends which can include family members are exactly the way you described. What matters is that when we find such true friends, we cherish and nurture them. :)
The Vizier recently posted..Shaping Character with the Whetstones of Life
Hi Irving,
True friends and family are treasures that we must keep.
Cheers my friend. It was good talking to you.
Jimmy, this has to be one of my favorite posts of yours so far! I appreciate your honesty… and the checklist for a true friend is spot on. And the case of true friends, we don’t need quantity. We only need quality.
My husband and I invited lots of people to our wedding. We had a blast. But there’s something about an intimate gathering. I’ll be thinking about you on your big day.
Hey Angie,
Nice to see you again. The idea from this post really came about after Adrienne taught me to be more personal with my writing. This friendship thing was really bugging me a lot since we started planning for the wedding. I am glad I wrote what I wrote and decided that I actually have no true friends. At least now, I can look for new ones. People who will make the list as true friends. You are right too, we just need one or two great friends that’s all, not many fair weather ones.
Hey Jimmy,
The 6 qualities you’ve mentioned pretty much covers what makes a friendship true.
I real friend doesn’t know how to let you down. For instance my dog doesn’t have the words “letting down” in his vocabulary. :)
great post!
Akos Fintor recently posted..3 Basic Principles to a More Awakened You!
Akos,
Nice to see you here again.
Indeed, true friends will not let you down. I just wish that my friends have this kind of class like the pets we have. What disappoints most is when real help is needed, many simply disappeared.
I was captured by the title. What I think is that you just have to find the right person for you to be your friend. These are great pros you have mentioned but I am more like leaving my intuition, when it comes for communications and friends:)
(dofollow)
Anna recently posted..Who cares about the cost of veneers nowadays?
Thanks Anna,
I know that you are also encouraging me. It means a lot to me. I will be searching out for more true friends from now. I have emerged wiser and will be cherish these people when I find them.
I am SO excited about your wedding solemnization, Jimmy! Sending you the warmest wishes for your big day. =) And I’m also loving your new website design — very clean and sleek. =)
As for true friendships, I often wonder about cultural differences. For examples, I often find Peruvians to be very giving, but that’s also the way the culture is. In Canada, we’re less encouraged to be so wholeheartedly giving because it’s about the individual and not the community.
I’m sorry to hear about your realization regarding true friends, but what’s positive is that you know where to go from here and there’s only brightness and positivity where you’re heading. =)
Samantha Bangayan recently posted..The Señor de los Milagros, Miracle Giver
Hi Sam,
Thanks for your well wishes. The date is getting close and my wife is still no closer to deciding the overall design and concept of our simple wedding. That’s her way of expression and creation. I love her for that because I can always see her eyes glow whenever she thought of a better idea.
Yes, I have moved from my friends. Now I have a better view of who my friends are. My RAS has also opened up a whole new way to look at things. Life will be better from hereon.
Enjoy you culturally excited days in Peru.